I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
Ok despite the fact that both you and I love dick we could have a great marriage
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I gave him head while despicable me 2 played in the background. I think I disappointed the minions
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Puked in my purse on my Uber ride home last night. Safe to say it's not a good idea to beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
He is a beautiful butterfly covered in tattoos and naked.
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
