Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Maybe my heart is located in my vagina
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.
He was drinking a long island through his Breathalyzer tube.
I want to celebrate with you...
There's nothing I'd like more than a celebratory "The guy I'm doing just found out he's not a baby daddy" dinner.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I praised you last night for winning a chug off...you thanked me with a ridiculously hard headbutt. Thanks dick.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I feel like too many of my sentences start of with "Hey, fuckface!"
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
I'm gonna go take a shower so I can cleanly change into my drinking underwear.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
