I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
walk of shame into the pharmacy with a busted up chin and laughing the lady at the counter rolled her eyes at me when I asked for the morning after pill.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm toasting stale bread and thinking of you
Is that a sex thing?
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
Randomize
