Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
She looks like if Peter Griffin was a lesbian.
Run away.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
I HAD TO PAY A COVER FOR THE FIRST TIME LAST NIGHT. My tits didn't get me in and I was so pissed.
I smoked too much. I'm sitting on my balcony and I keep getting lost. Help me
It's 2017. Get with the program. Also remind me never to get margaritas with you ever on Cinco de Mayo.
Randomize
