I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
I was dancing barefoot on glass at one point. That really sobered me up.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
Pregnancy confirmed. Complete emotional instability achieved. I just cried through 95% of Avatar.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
No more morning sex. Just for once, my vagina would like to go to work bone-dry and bone-free.
The only thing that got rode last night was the shit face train. I brought him home to see wht all the hype was about and he just started crying and puking in my bathroom.
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
Yeah just pls explain the dishes and the dildo. I don't want to lose my job over a dick in the cooler.
The best thing about last night is when drunk Lauren asked cop if she could smoke a joint in front of him. And next thing I remember she’s smoking weed with a cop. How awesome is that.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
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