I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.
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When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
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We fucked like animals and then decided we actually liked each other so then we made love. It's a match made in heaven.
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
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