I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
we had a ceremony where you passed your fake id onto me in the middle of the bar. i was on my knees and you presented it to me. i don't think the bartenders were suspicious though
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
Don't act like you're a victim to marijuana
Breaking news: when you're gone every towel is a dick towel
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
