John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Nothing to be ashamed of. I bet Oprah has sharted.
Randomize
