apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
An ex-gang member just asked me out on a date via note. And spelled dinner wrong. Win?
I just saw a commercial for "tickle me elmo hands" and I am almost 100 percent sure that at the end elmo said "yeaaaaa boooyyyyyy"
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
I blacked out after the shots of canned lobster bisque.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
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