you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
In an m&m suit playing manhunt drunk. And you thought you werent guna have a good time
Her stepmother interrupted our sex to tell her it was midnight and she wanted to do a sympathy shot for her 50th.
Don't break up.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
Randomize
