I think even Ryan Seacrest is disgusted with the thought of Ryan Seacrest getting some.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Ohh god. I'm so nervous. This is terrible. He just introduced me as "the best girlfriend of his life" and Jenny as his "sexual roomate"
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I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
The cop looked me right in the eye and apologized for cock blocking me.
Like I fucked him in the shower at 3 am when I had classes all day the next day so he can't say I'm not dedicated
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