She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
I woke up covered in sausage cart mustard and champagne
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
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