Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
just took my temp. 103. i wonder how tylenol and jager bombs are gonna mix
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
Slutapocalypse this thursday. Invite every freshieee you hooked up with this semester to my house. Think of it like a meet n greet for them and battle of the sluts for us.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I'm just gonna yell "SURPRISE ME" and see what happens. No way this could go wrong
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
