My first STD was from a foam party
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
On a side note, I now know what a $150 cab ride looks like
i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
I'm currently on a bowling date with my girlfriend and her boyfriend. It's pretty fun.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
So I've decided that blue balls for lesbians is rainbow balls and the struggle is real
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
