If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
No its cool, because I bought a handle of tequila earlier, in case things went south
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
i knew as soon as i met you that i was gonna be the designated driver
I'm pretty sure I just gave myself third degree burns from punching my pizza.
Car is still out of commission. Looks like it's Grape Nuts and scotch for dinner.
The bottle brush for the bong worked really well to clean the brownies out of the waffle maker.
A respectable fucking: good but like I don't want to get kicked out of my hotel room
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
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