So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
went out last night. woke up with a lisp.
I'm sorry for drunkenly throwing a spoon at you and then laughing at your pain.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
I learned a valuable lesson about combining day drinking with malt liquor: you may think you have super powers, but that's just the Steel Reserve talking.
Randomize
