I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
I am "lost the control of my head" high right now.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
Remember the thing I sent you? "Often complex problems are best solved by thinking like an animal." Hump away!
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
He talked for 3 hours straight on how his dad is a dentist how fuck do you think my night was
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Who the fuck is "nick from the beach last year"
No idea hahaha...why?
He just texted me.. Should I ask where I met him?
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