to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
Another day, another engagement, another cat
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
And then the templeton police were like "oh I remember her, yeah the blue haired girl that we picked up cause she was passed out drunk on the side of the road"
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
I’ve had a lot of vodka, 3 different dicks and no food since last night. Come get me
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