dude, despite what happened last night, I'm not gay
I think I gave almost everyone at that party the clap last night
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Well when we Get drunk it gets rowdy. We could always attempt self-control. But historically and statistically speaking, we fail at that.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
