I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.
If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
k. The important thing is we are going out. You are stones. I am mildly hallucenating.
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I think I just got buffalo sauce on my penis. Is that a turn on or off?
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
