I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW
There's a lady lying down on the sidewalk in front of our building smoking a cig
All I want is a wedding with a dress and a veil and where I can go and my cat can go.
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
We peed on a building I think...like a building in downtown...not out of view of anyone.
You handed me your heels and said, "barefoot running is all the rage." Then you proceeded to run home.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Randomize
