All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
I supernannyed him into submission
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Randomize
