She looks like Robin Williams dressed as a frog.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Are you sure you didn't shit in my back yard?
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
The original plan involved fireworks and a lot more dildos but the new one is still okay.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
That's how pantless uber rides happen
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
