my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.
im not 100% but im pretty sure at some point i was rubbing ur bf's beard telling him how magnificient i thought it was
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
If you haven't gone to the store yet. Can you PLEASE get me some clippers my balls will thank you later
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!
yeah....try hearing them in person. it sounds like two muppets going at it
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