She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
So I told him "To answer your question yes I am naked making pizza pops in your kitchen"
My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
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