it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
he needs to stop telling all his friends what my queefs sound like. its getting awkward to be around people who can quote my vagina.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
she stopped traffic so I could crutch across the street. Clubbing while crippled and drunk is different.
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
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