Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
It's all fun and games until some random starts jerking it on the deck.
We are sitting here staring into each others eyes, mutually rubbing forks up and down our respective noses. High as balls doesn't even begin to cover it.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
you weren't there so I had to flirt with him on your behalf
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
I picked up a towel, and butt beads fell out of it.
Oh yeah... Surprise!
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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