Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.
I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
On a Thurs night I found myself drunk in a limo w 9 dudes on my way to a strip club. Once there I was handed $100 in ones and told "spend it." I need a husband. Or Jesus.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
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