Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
Do the low cut shirt test. If he stares at your tits even in front of your brother, he's down.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
he threw up in a solo cup, then washed it out and used it to play flip cup. Im not sure if thats resourceful or disgusting.
make that a herd of moose. they will be my moose minions
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I was sat at the table waiting with a glass of wine reading my book and the hotel staff gave me a goldfish in a bowl and said 'heres your date for the night' !
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
The Royals are in the World Series. I've never drank so much in one week in my life.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
So, I gotta figure when the nurses at the emergency room noticed my new hair cut it means I'm there too often, right?
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