I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
Advice for you. Never grate cheese on your counter then not cleanup the scraps, then have your bf over and endup having sex on the counter. Theres literally cheese melted in and around my ass.
Front seat of an Escalade in a limo-service parking lot. That is all.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
I'm just going to ride dicks all the way to the to the gates of hell
I think you're overestimating how drunk I was
You said your pillow felt like the ocean...
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
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