how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Wow, you know I need to stop drinking alone when I pour my drink into my hand and offer it to my dog,
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
Ecstasy should be its own food group.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Here's a rundown of my night alone. Danced my ass off in the kitchen to FleetmacWood. Drank a little bit. Ordered $40 worth of Chinese food once the drinks kicked in. Picked up said Chinese in dirty sweatpants and slippers. #livinglife
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