guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
During sex he wiggled his hips and said "I'm turning the ice cream" Deal breaker?
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.
sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
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