I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes
I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
