It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
He asked me how my body knew that a month was up when it was time for my period.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
He was the drug dealer that jumped out of his car to get my number
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
