dude i just saw the hottest 13 year old but she was kinda ghetto.
there is nothing more satisfying than playing sudoku while pooping
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Then he said,"I love you like a sister I like to have sex with."
I'm in his bed with no pants on and he's just eating a sloppy joe
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
