Well for one thing, she was eating rice with a shot glass.
The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
I thought i'd save money with No Heat November but the amount of whiskey i have to buy to stay warm is probably adding up to more than a heat bill.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
That accounts for only three of the penises
It's funny when you can't take a fishing boat because you fucked the captains wife
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