Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
Don't know how your birthday has been, but mine has involved Hershey's syrup and a blowie. It's safe to say you're playing catch up.
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
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