I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
Was it cool?
About as cool as only getting a handjob on your honeymoon.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
She said she didn't know what fireball was. We are no longer friends.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
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