If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
My boobs are too big for things to be going this downhill in my life.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
listen i get youre a daddy dom but that doesnt give you a pass to make dad jokes
I'm not saying I love you. I never said I love you. I said that if earth blew up like Krypton you'd be the only person I would like to have inside me when our bodies burn up in a fiery inferno
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
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