I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Hey, what did you end up doing with those ski goggles?
Anything is possible. I didn't even know I was wearing the toilet cover as a hat
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
he's just got his life so together and it makes my pussy wet.
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
it doesn't matter what you do now, you will forever be known as the girl who fell off the roof
nooooo! we need to brain storm. I need rebranding....what if I start always showing up with my cat or a wacky hat?
try again roofio
Randomize
