I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
you took a picture of the hospital bathroom and sent it to me
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
He tried to buy me a drink at dollar beer night. All 3 of his credit cards were declined, so he asked me if I could cover it. Needless to say, I'm not calling him back.
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
Just woke up from an extremely erotic dream featuring Steve Buscemi. Now I can't sleep.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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