i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I think he pocket dials me so much because I'm in his phone as 'Air Mattress'
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
If we don't rescue him from the fat chick soon, she is going to eat him alive and suck the marrow from his bones.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
All I know is when I checked my phone this morning google translate was open with "help the cow ate my robot" translated to French
So I took my bra off and threw it in the bushes before we went to the bars..
Just checked out of walmart with a 30 pack of Budlight and a wiffle bat. Hello, Monday night.
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