You want looks pregnant, is pregnant, or the one with a kid.
While I'm in the bathroom taking a piss you think of a way to get us the hell out of here.
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
yep, just sat in the backseat of my car for about five minutes looking for the vodka soaked underwear,when i came to the realization that i really gotta start getting my shit together..
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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