More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
the head trauma was worth the blowjob.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.
He called me on my way to the bathroom and told me he wanted to hear me pee my beers out... That. Drunk.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Masturbating with Lord of the Rings on was not how I planned my afternoon going but here I am.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Randomize
