You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Dude its so hot it my room I can't jack off. Its gonna be a long summer.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage
I love shooting for the middle. Those girls never wake up well.
I am trying to take a picture of a man in a wheelchair trying to ship a michael jackson portrait
You don't understand. There's baclava and there's post sex baclava. You can't compare the two.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
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