Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
If I asked you to guess what I'm doing right now how many guesses would it take to get to really high eating an apple bumping techno
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I don't think people appreciate how hard it is to fuck in a portapotty. Sarah and I had train for that shit.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
Is Oprah even human
who knew my inner goddess was such a whore
When ur uncle gives you free weed, you take it
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
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