I puked a lego.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I feel like I'm one of those people who someone looks at and thinks "how did she get into this college"
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
Aside from the slim chance of pregnancy, I'm gonna call last night a raging success.
I want you to get your positive energy all over me. I want to to look like something from Ghostbusters.
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
Please don't call my dad a fuckpuppet, I feel like that would be awkward to explain later.
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
Things could not have gone more poorly if I had stripped naked and run through the Sahara with sirloins tied to my vagina.
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