uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
fun fact: cucumber in vinegar with pepper = best ever high snack
i just wanna skin you and wear you like last years versace.
you may have the big hair, fake nails, and talk with a fake accent, but you will NEVER be a housewife from new jersey so STOP TRYING.
she sounds like chewbacca in bed
i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.
You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
They took the TVs out of the gym and the mini-Mart only had 2% milk. 2015 wants me to be fat
Come share oat with me in your robe
Also he said my vagina was sculpted by gods so there must be some feelings here.
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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