He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Fuck at this point id do just about anything for 20 bucks
That has been your downfall in past encounters with 20 dollars bills
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?
Mom just sent me an email. The subject line is "How to avoid a urinary tract infection"
LET IT GO MOM
I don't know what the bubonic plague feels like- but I'm gonna guess its something like this.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
