i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
I hate the cold months. Everybody starts hibernating and I start talking to guys I would never normally talk to. You have a drug habit and no license? Perfect candidate for a boyfriend...
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
Randomize
