I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Dude I broke my bong in half this morning. I kicked it as I was jerking off. I would never hide anything from you.
drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
I still don't know why you took that job... it sounds miserable
not having any beer money sounds even more miserable
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
Last night when you stole the construction sign you told me to tell you that first you did it for the money Than you did it for the music But mostly you did it for your family
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
That's a good 5 hours of "I have no fucking idea what I did".
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
I just learned that the grill marks on a Burger King burger patty are actually previously burnt on there with a radioactive spray-on liquid and McDonald's french fries are actually 5% potato.
Randomize
