Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
dude, i just accidentally flashed your mom. BIG TIME.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Sorry for trying to wake you up by slapping your ass with a fruit 2 go.
I forget how to act sober
Randomize
