never play flip cup with pint glasses
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
At beerfest, hammered, going to try to not get naked in public but i cant make any promises
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
I can't get past the whole vibrator up the ass stunt.. Can we have a ceremonial burning for his dignity because I will not ever touch that again..
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
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