well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
the bride spent most of the night apologizing to people she had punched earlier.
She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'
Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
Only I would get an underage 24 hours before turning 21.
Randomize
