I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"
do it. it's every man's dream.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Goldenshlager is a hell of a drink. And these are the adventures ur missing out on w me. I gave someone a bath Emily. A BATH.
Awkward
Can't say I wouldn't let it happen again.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
I think I got a sinus infection from puking out my nose on st. Patricks day #thisis26
Randomize
