So I had to explain to her that pussy doesn't mean a cat
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
But it's not about our feelings, it's about making the men we sleep with feel awful about their lives
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I will be naked everywhere
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
My kid made a secret wish that you have a baby... Make good choices today!
The moment when you go to plug in someone else's phone in your car and your lube is in the way. Don't mind that it's just my center console car lube. Normal.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
Randomize
