I keep trying to leave, but for some reason I'm staying
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
i just uploaded three hundred pictures and you had your shirt off in two hundred and ninety of them
the remaining ten - you weren't in
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
I’m so poor I’m filling a flask with vodka and bringing it to the bar.
It'd be good to change things up a bit, right now the only public service I'm doing from my apt is hanging out in my underwear with the lights on.
Randomize
