so he just left - touched my cheek like he was gona kiss me and then gave me a fist bump?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
i have a feeling i am the only one who can successfully pull off the "slutty kentucky derby" look.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
