i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
I'm cleaning the house. And I can't stop listening to Enrique Iglesias. Am I gay?
I even have the new album if that helps you make a decision.
I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.
just tried googling 24 hr taco bell and when i typed "24 hour" it autocompleted with fitness. buzzzz killllll
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
The annual Father's Day Wake and Bake has been canceled due to lack of hustle.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Both guys that I'm dating were waiting for me in the parking lot after work. Literally the most awkward situation I have ever been in
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
Randomize
